Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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