Have you finally orgasmed yet?
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
