Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
