I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize