I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
