I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
