alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
