he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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