i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
