Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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