Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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