she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
