I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
