After last night, I could never be a politician.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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