I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
