You think ghandi was good in the sack? cuz i sure do.
I'm not gay.
Soooo you want ghandi? is that what your telling me?
If ghandi gives good head...I'm in
Its fine.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
