what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
The best revenge is premature balding
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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