You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Gay?
German.
Pity.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Randomize
