I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
