Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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