shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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