my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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