youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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