btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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