I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
