He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
