You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
