There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
