this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize