So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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