my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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