a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
