i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
