i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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