I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
My penis needs a shock collar
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
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