Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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