oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Someone shattered a urinal.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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