Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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