A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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