woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
