I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
