Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
