Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
