she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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