Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
