dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Randomize
