you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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