It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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