They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
