Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
