the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
