Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
i want to swaddle you in tequila
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
