Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
vagina is talking i cant
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
how does that bad decision feel?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
