Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
