you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
