I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
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