Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
